Assault Soup

Public schools are now "arming" students and teachers with canned vegetables as protection against active shooters in schools. An Alabama school recently sent letters home asking students to arm themselves with canned goods.

The procedure will be the same as we have done in the past with the addition of arming our students with a canned food item. We realize at first this may seem odd; however, it is a practice that would catch an intruder off-guard. The canned food item could stun the intruder or even knock him out until the police arrive. The canned food item will give students a sense of empowerment to protect themselves and will make them feel secure in case an intruder enters their classroom. 

We are asking each student to bring an 8 oz. canned food item (corn, beans, peas, etc.) to use in case an intruder enters their classroom. We hope the canned food items will never be used or needed, but it is best to be prepared. At the end of the school year, the cans will be donated to the food closet.

This is the state of surrender we've reached when it comes to the safety of children in schools. In a Concord, MA, school "each science classroom is equipped with cans of soup to be thrown at the intruder in the instance that the intruder enters the classroom." Rather than allow trained personnel access to firearms, which might actually discourage the violent criminal from entering the schools in the first place, educators choose to protect students with fruit cocktail. Do twenty 7th graders throwing cans stand a chance against an active shooter? Of course not. In their own words, the administrators' goal is to lull the kids into simply feeling secure. Security theatre is all they have.

One wonders, if a student brings a 16 oz can of soup instead of the requested 8 oz, will that lead to a charged of possessing a "high capacity" weapon? Will canned fruit in a lunch box be treated as a concealed weapon? I pity the kid who chews his pop tart into the shape of a can of soup. Maybe they could equip the students with "ammo" belts to hold extra cans.

In all seriousness, this is the level of absurdity to which the hoplophobes will go to avoid seeing scary guns in schools. A good guy with a gun might be able to stop a bad guy with a gun. A teacher armed with creamed corn is woefully ill equipped. I wonder if the people who came up with this plan sat around a table smugly thinking, "If only Columbine High School had been stocked with canned peas." Or "It's a shame someone didn't bean Adam Lanza with some chicken noodle soup." The deep seated fear of doing something to actually protect kids would be laughable if it wasn't the safety of school children they were risking to appease their own fears.

Indeed, some schools systems are taking a realistic approach to student safety. There are at least 10 states that have provisions for armed employees. Missouri legislators recently overturned the hoplophobic governor's veto of a bill allowing trained teachers to carry in school. Teachers in a north Texas school district are discreetly armed. However, until we see a repeal of the ineffective and unconstitutional Federal Gun-Free School Zones Act, students and teachers will be relying on a well-stocked food pantry for protection.